What if I had taken up humanities for my +2 instead of commerce?
What if I had continued with science and taken up medicine in college?
Regrets. We all have them. We all have been through the phase where we thought that we made the worse decision of our lives. These are the choices that we never forget. They have such a big impact on us that even after 10 years, they make you sit and think. Think that if only you had been brave enough to take the drastic step, life would be so much better.
What if I had spoken to that person I thought was the perfect being?
What if I didn’t let go of MY person after the final goodbye?
What if I had summed up the courage to express my feelings?
With time, regrets change. Matters pertaining to the heart are more wrenching than those associated to any other aspects of life.
These are a special kind of regrets. They are so bad that they make you feel worthless. They rip your very veins and enter your brain and stay there. They make tiny pockets at the back of your cranium and strangely enough, you let them breed. They stab you every night as you lay on your bed and try to push it out of your head, but with every passing minute, it becomes difficult. Difficult to ignore it. You let it overshadow the rational part of your brain. You get obsessively irrational and create scenarios that can never happen.
You let it destroy you.
You let the regret kill you. The worst thing about this type of regret is that that you cannot control it inspite of having the power to do so. We can immediately cease its occurrence by not thinking about it, but us humans, we like to victimise ourselves so we continue to indulge in it till the end, very end.
The people who are no longer there in my life, I regret not telling them that they mattered when I had the chance to say it. They mattered more than they can imagine. I regret not telling them that they were very important to me. There are times when I just feel like picking up the phone and blurting it all out. But I know that I cannot do so because the correct time passed, long time back.
What if I had lived my life a little more? Enjoyed a little and not spent it all cooped up in an office?
It’s always the things we don’t do that haunts us, not the things we did.
At the end of the day, it’s much more comforting to rest your head on the shoulder of your loved one and say, “I tried but I messed up”, than to quietly question yourself for years using those 2 words, “What if?” .Your what ifs are as boundless as the stars. You keep counting and they keep increasing. Your try to look at it from afar and all you see are tiny specks of white which will remain there. Till the pull is so strong that it collapses. Under its own weight. Your regrets are like the foams of the wave. They will consume and drown you every time you rise.
I have been told that it is gritty, my writing. So I will try to add a ray or 2 of hope here:
The road which was not taken, maybe it wasn’t meant for you. Maybe it would have led you to your destruction, to more heartbreaks, to more tears. Everyone has been through their fair share of muck and mire. What is meant to happen, will happen. Stop being too harsh on yourself. Stop beating yourself for your imperfect decisions. Because you are the result of the good choices you made and the bad ones too. They led you to this very moment.
Take the leap.
Don’t let regret hold you back.
Don’t let it take away your happiness. Surely, you will feel that things could have been different and so much better and maybe, you will feel like giving up everything. But believe me when I say this, one day this feeling of helplessness will pass. You will get over your life choices. And on that day, it will all make sense. This hysteria, this chaos, this frenzy will come to an end. Every wrong decision will fall into its correct tiny places and I swear to God that it will be MOST beautiful sentiment you will ever discern. On that day, you won’t be able to hide that gorgeous smile of yours or the gleaming twinkle in your dreamy eyes.
Don’t kill yourself before that day arrives.