Because of an unusually long break, I have had too much free time on my hands. So I have been making these small observations of my immediate surroundings to make myself feel useful. By ‘my immediate surroundings’, I mean, facebook.
So far, it hasn’t quite worked in my favour. Instead of feeling useful, I actually feel pretty useless. The following are the things I see on facebook-
1. Some friend speaking at some big ass debate and winning the speaker of the event award.
2. Some friend celebrating 789 days of ‘love, togetherness and happiness’.
(Side note- SERIOUSLY? Who counts days in days? How old are you, Shaiqa? Why now, I am 7234 days old. Do the maths, smarty pants.)
3. Some friend who is the co-founder of some restaurant at the age of 18.
(*ahem rich parents ahem*)
4. Some friend who is so good to look at that she can give Scarlet Johanson a run for her money.
(That is clearly an exaggeration, no one can be compared to ScarJ <3)
5. A friend or two who are on vacation for like the entire year. No kidding. One eff’ing year because all they do is upload pictures of them in some cave in some exotic location sipping pina colada like a boss.
Calm yo! Giving Modi Ji a run for his money? Or in his case, the country’s money.
6. Some friend uploading her art work all over Facebook and Instagram and making big bucks.
Like, HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
7. People younger than me and doing so much better than me in ALL aspects of life that it’s not even funny anymore.
After having a sudden existential crisis, I thought, ‘Hey, why not make a list of things I am good at. Pretty sure I am not as bootless as mum claims me to be!’
And it turns out that I am good at a lot of things. Not to brag, but-
1. I can irritate people. Intentionally, of course.
By ‘people’ I mean, my brothers.
I have this uncanny ability to device wicked plans to irritate either of them in a very short span of time.
For example, if I see that my elder brother has left his car keys on the table after breakfast and then went to his room to get something, I hide the keys, and upon interrogation I make him believe that he actually took it to the room with him. I then make him search his room for about 5 minutes only to drop the keys somewhere on the floor and then find them myself and say, “Look, I found it!”
Or like this one time, I got on the elevator with him and as the elevator descended, I pressed all the buttons on the panel. The elevator stopped at every floor (that time, we lived on the 15th floor) before reaching the ground. What sadistic pleasure did I get in delaying him by 3 minutes? I don’t know.
Also, that day I was late for my class by 5 minutes.
I am not a very smart human.
Oh, or like the time when I made tea for both of us and after handing him the cup, I stared at him, silently challenging him to take a sip. He didn’t. We just stared at each other for good 5 minutes until he finally threw the tea thinking that I had added something to it. Irritated, he left the house.
It was perfectly good elaichi chai.
2. I can take power naps. No, like this is serious business. I can take naps for 8 and a half minutes during the day and wake up fresh as ever.
Not everyone can do that. That is a talent, right?
3. My mother noticed this potent skill in me. I can actually stare at my phone for hours without blinking. HOW COOL IS THAT?!?
Wait……I really am not smart.
4. I can talk. Or ‘blabber’, as some of my friends like to call it.
Wait . . . .
5. I can make people laugh. When I crack jokes, people leave the room to take bathroom breaks…
I think, I will stop making this list.
It’s weird. Not being good at something.
I don’t even have a hobby, unless sleeping and facebooking are of relevance here.
Sleeping is always good, so I cannot present any arguments in favour of that.
There are also a few fine aspects of using facebook:
– you can be in constant contact with people you who make you feel nugatory or, relatives who make sure you feel worthless even if you feel good;
-You…can stalk your crush?
I will stop right here. No more lists.
Anyway, I shall try and be optimistic about my life.
And also, if you are one of those people who have a hobby, or have your priorities set straight, or know what you are going to do in life, then please don’t ever talk to me. I don’t need that kind of negativity.
Thank you for reading.