Loving someone is terrifying. Very scary. You open your heart to that person. You lay it bear for them to meddle with it. Willingly, you become vulnerable and expose your soul to them.
You want to be there at the ups and downs in their life and spend every waking moment doing so. And as filmy as it may sound, you are ready to swim cross the oceans, jump and leap over the mountain and give them all that you have. Just to hear it back. Once.
Inspite of all this, you don’t.
If you think love is painful, then let me tell you that unrequited love kills you!
It’s beautiful, the feeling of falling in love. Not that I would know, but I have seen people transform. The usual uptight demure slowly begins to vanish. You become bold. You begin to possess this fierceness that was never there before. You just…change.
You begin to notice the small things that your beloved does. Everything changes the moment you look at a person differently. You start to notice intricate details you didn’t before, the way their eyes twitches when they are trying to concentrate on something. How they bite their nails when they are worried. How the colour of their iris changes in the sunlight. How their cheeks taint with a shade of red when you compliment them. The curve of their lips and the frown between their eyebrows begins to amuse you.
Oh, their laughter melts your heart!
Then you realise how much you adore this person and you want to share your deepest fears and feeling with them. How they bring out a different side of you.Then again, you realise something else. Something that makes you weak at the knees. Your palms become sweaty, your heart begins to race and an overwhelming sense of sadness engulfs you because liking someone means- making the move. It means that you are now to go and confess that you like them.
Now you are left with 2 options. You either cramp up the emotions and let it stir your insides every time you see them laugh with someone else or you stand up for your love and admit it.
You decide to take the difficult latter path.
So, somehow you gather the courage to admit it, to yourself and them.
The declaration of love.
But they then tell you that they don’t feel it. The connection. The spark. It just isn’t there. They don’t get butterflies in the belly when they see you. The mid-night conversations, they weren’t as important to them as they were to you. The heart to heart divulgence meant nothing to them.
They don’t…love you back.
Rejection is brutal. It rips you apart. It brings an onslaught on tears and heartache and self flagellation. You indulge in overthinking, trying to figure out a reason for being run over. And then your brain does this thing where it implants an idea in your head, about how you are not good enough and you then begin to count your short-comings.
Irrespective of what the cause is, it sucks to be in that position. It stinks to sit on the floor or rest by the wall and hear yourself cry.
But you refuse to believe. Your mind wants to run away, but your heart hangs on because you cannot pin point why you were rejected after months and months of happy memories.
You waste so much time overthinking things. Eventually, something obvious becomes twisted into something absurd, which keeps you from believing a simpler answer. Over time, you believe your own thoughts to protect yourself from the pain, rather than thinking what is obviously logical. It is through your own self-made delusions that you lose sight of the reality.
You want to feel the beautiful feeling of the love of your life loving you back, but when that doesn’t happen, you conclude that it is easier to sit in denial with your misapprehensions. In your head, you write the perfect story for yourself and your person. The fierce love of yours that will cut against all odds and win in the end. The relationship that you both would have shared with such perfection that the entire world would eye you with envy.
You pray for a sign. A sign to forget all of this and move on. But when you see the signs, you blatantly ignore them. You let go of the common sense and intuition because you didn’t like how it made you feel. So you follow your misconstructed feelings through fire and dirt because you want to prove you are right, either to yourself or others.
Frankly speaking, I have never been in the above situation of unrequited love. But I have seen friends go through this and maybe that is why I am able to write about it. I try to look for the silver linings in difficult situations. It’s ironic because I consider myself to be a pessimist.
But I try.
Unrequited love- it teaches you something.
It teaches you to be selfless when the other person is being selfish and to live with the fact that not every time things will happen according to your wishes.
It teaches you that life is unfair. It isn’t always roses and rainbows.
It teaches you that it could have been worse. You could have been more broken.
But you are not.
It pushes you to your limit, but then this amazing thing happens when you notice that you can run beyond your limits.
What you thought was your demarcation line, was merely a hurdle.
It makes you stronger, more practical and determined to focus on the people that actually matter, people who are ready to love you back.
It makes you a bigger, a better human being.
So much better. Because once you go through that pain, you begin to appreciate the small moments in life.
For you, life becomes 10 times better.