I quit.

“I won’t be able to do this”
Probably the only one sentence when uttered by someone has the capacity to break their dreams and aspirations. 
“There are a lot of other statements that can do the same, Shaiqa!” 
I know. But you know what makes this statement so different and significant? The answer is simple. 
It’s the fact that this one line is the affirmation of YOU giving up. There are a lot of times when you hear someone say that you won’t be able to accomplish this or that, or you will be a failure in the venture that you have undertaken. But those declarations, they don’t matter. They won’t hold a substantial relevance in your life till YOU decide to let it affect you. Till YOU accept the fact that you will be a failure even without trying. Till YOU let it become a reality by losing sight of your vision. 
It is negative, but I will say it anyway. I believe that less than 0.5% of the the human population are able to fulfil all their dreams. Realise all their aspirations. Or have a happy ending or the euphoric moment when they fall on their knees and cry their heart out because they don’t know how to express their happiness otherwise. No, not everyone is as smart as Zuckerberg or those people you read about, people who see their dream come true inspite of all their troubles and hurdles. Not everyone is bold enough to believe their dreams and that perhaps is the saddest reality. 
When I look back at my school life, I feel disappointed by myself. By my lack of confidence, lack of enthusiasm to do the things that I wanted to do. I think I have wasted a considerable part of my life thinking about the outcome of me failing rather than actually taking the first step. Even if I somehow gathered the strength to finally begin what I wanted to, I stopped in its initial stages. 
I used to love drawing/sketching when I was in class 8-9. I was good at it, or so I like to believe. But the thing is, I have not touched a sketching pen or a paint brush in 3 years now. Why? I don’t know. 
I don’t remember what happened, I don’t want to remember, but I threw away all my sketches with the exception of one or two and I still tell people that I cannot use a pen to draw. Why? 
Maybe for the lack of encouragement at that time or maybe I was just too lazy to carry on with it. 
I don’t know which is worse. 
It’s sad to see your past self give up that easily. The fact that I don’t recall the reason is more saddening because I stopped doing something that I loved for something so insignificant that I cannot even remember it now. 
If I could go back in time, I will kill Hitler because that is the time travelling rule. Then I would wait for myself to be born and then meet my puberty stricken self and tell me not to give up. Not to be discouraged by anyone. No matter how close you are to them. No matter how much you love them. 
30th Jan, 2015, was the day when I published my first story, My life, my choices. I had written it long time back for a friend who was doing research work on a related topic. I had no intention of publishing it because I was too scared to do so. But by sheer good luck, something happened that made me question myself. It was an apparently insignificant incident, but it made me doubt so many things that I had been doing wrong for years. It all crashed on me. Like a brick, it hit me hard. The first person to read the said story apart from this friend was someone I don’t really know. A stranger. I tried to convince myself to pretend that they didn’t go through it, they didn’t analyse it, they didn’t judge me for it. I couldn’t. I traumatised them for reading it. But then I realized, wait, this isn’t that bad, is it? Someone reading something personal that I wrote, that’s not a big deal, right? I thought about that incident for much longer than I’m comfortable admitting. After 2 months, in March, I finally decided to start this blog. 5 months and I have thought of quitting about 12 times. No jest. 
There are times when I have nothing to write about (Read this if you are jobless). There are times when I don’t know if I will be able to carry this for long. This is my 18th post and I’m pretty darn proud of myself for being able to write this. I don’t want to stop because I know that the day I abandon this blog, a lot of things will come to an end for me. And I will not allow that to happen. I hope declaring this publicly will help me when I’m at a low point in life and decide to stop. 
I know that I won’t be able fulfil all my dreams. There will be obstacles. There are obstacles right now. I am fighting them. I am battling them will all my might. I am pouring my soul into it. I am looking for encouragement and inspiration in every nook and corner that I can set my eyes on. 
Chances are that I might not succeed. 
But that doesn’t stop me from trying. I will keep trying. 
I will try to keep the dream alive till the time it is impossible for me to breath. 
I will not give up, not this time. 
You don’t either.  

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