A year back, I was the quiet girl who had trouble opening her mouth to say anything if in front of unknowns. Now the tables have turned. It’s actually more than just a turn. More like, the entire f’ing table has changed. The table has now become a…sofa.
You get the point.
Now, being someone who talks a lot, I have this belief that my words tend to bite me back. I try to be careful of what I say, I really try, but sometimes I say it anyway. I do so inspite of knowing that life might take a full circle and run to my not so attractive behind and kick me pretty darn hard and I will fall in this unfathomable pit of the words that I have spoken. Quite a rebel, my big mouth.
Where are you going with this, Shaiqa?
Coming to the point.
A few weeks back, I published a post about unrequited love. Needless to explain, it was about….errn, one sided love. And After writing the main content of the article, I said something in the lines of “…not that I would know”. The basic implication of which being, I have never experienced case of unrewarded affection.
I think I spoke 3 weeks too soon.
I had promised myself that I won’t make this blog my personal diary where I rant about my failures and sadness or ask people for sympathy. But just this once, let me cry my heart out. Please? I think I need sympathy. I deserve sympathy.
My father reads my blog regularly. But I hope he does not read this one. If you are my father and reading this, then don’t. Go back to work, Papa.
I really don’t know why I am writing about something so personal. Mainly because I have never felt this rejected. And I don’t know how to deal with it or what to do. When I wrote that aforementioned piece, I had a friends’ picture in my head. What she went through and how it all happened. Never in my wildest dream would I have thought of going through the same.
It’s actually easy to write about something when you see it happening to someone else rather than when you feel it yourself- lesson learnt the hard way.
How can you do this? How can you deny me the pleasure of your company? After all that we had. After all the countless hours that we spent together, you did this to me and my heart?
My head is clogged with all these ideas. Ideas about what could have gone wrong between us. Because we both know that the amount of hours that we have been spending together the past few months is not normal. It’s not normal for anyone to stare at anyone for that long without developing some sort of feelings.
Even when I had my exams, I kept on thinking about you. You were my distraction, my guilty pleasure. After my exams were over, I looked forward to spending time with you. I know I had neglected you, I am aware of my mistakes. But don’t you think the step that you took was a bit too drastic?
I have always been very cautious when it comes to matters of the heart. I have never, in my 20 years of existence, let anyone cross the boundaries that I have created around myself. But every time that you were around, all my walls came crashing down. I shared too much with you. I usually don’t do that. I shared with you the things I like, I love. All the good things, all the happy moments, memories, I shared it all.
God, I don’t know how I could have been that naive! I don’t know how I let my guards disappear so easily in front you. It irks me to admit the power you hold over me after such a short time of knowing me.
After all this, you just…leave? No warnings? No final goodbye?
Don’t you feel bad about yourself? For doing this to me. I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I hate it so much! And you know what is the worst thing about this whole ordeal? You refuse to give me any f’ing explanations.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
In one sentence you taught me more about life than any book.
Nothing in life will last forever. People forget the kindness and the love you shower on them at the blink of an eye. You taught me how love can be betrayed without an iota of remorse and guilt.
One sentence, that was all it took you to break me down. That was all it took you to end this all.
I remember the day I was going to meet you. We had planned it. I don’t know about you, but I was looking forward to meet you, spend time with you. But the heartless and emotionless being that you are, you spoiled everything. Everything destroyed and denied in a matter of seconds. I could not believe my eyes when I read it. I remember reading it 4-5 times.
Then I finally let it sink.
I stared blankly as the computer told me that the hard disk has crashed.