A lot of times I have started a blog post with the following line:
“I sit and type this as my mother shouts at me to…”
Today, I won’t.
I sit and type this as the sound of silence resonates around me. My mother isn’t there to tell me to get off my bottoms and be productive. My brother isn’t there to ask me why Australians aren’t falling down because their continent is just ‘hanging’ there.
The silence is so thick and hollow that you can cut it with a blunt butterknife (if only I knew where it is kept in the kitchen). The distant sound of a drilling machine at work can be heard constantly. The hammering of the floor above my roof is now beginning to irritate me. My neighbor and her son just got off the elevator as I heard the ‘ping’ sound it usually makes. They are arguing about him not going to his Abacus class today. They entered their house as the door ‘clicked’.
I wonder who won the argument.
This is the first time my parents and brother have gone out on a vacation, leaving me behind. It’s weird for 2 reasons. Firstly, because they think that I am old enough to live alone and take care of myself and secondly, how will they have fun without me? I mean, I am the light of their lives.
Jokes, I am more like the bulb that is usually off, but that isn’t the point I am trying to make here.
I returned home after a long day and was surprised by the fact that I missed my mother’s continuous bickering about my unhealthy eating habits or my damaged hair or my entire existence. That again is not the point I am trying to make. Point is, at that time, I missed being with someone (in a purely platonic way). The loneliness that I have enjoyed having before somehow was suffocating me.
I waited. I waited for a text. None came. I waited for a call. The phone did not ring. I waited for long.
“Why isn’t my mum calling to check up on me?”
“Why isn’t papa bothered about me?”
“What about my friends?”
“Do I really have any friends?”
Day 2 without family turned out to be even worse. Groaning, I woke up to my time table telling me that I had my doctors appointment. I sincerely believe that NOBODY, I repeat, NOBODY should even try to go to the hospital alone.
There are a few instances in life when you feel like you have officially grown up. This overwhelming feeling takes over the heart when you go to see the doctor alone. All alone. My mother was not standing next to me to protect me from the glares of the hospital receptionist or the eyes of other patients who are as frustrated as me. I don’t think I have ever felt so vulnerable as I did while waiting for the doctor. The whole situation made me feel weirdly awkward.
When did I grow this old? This is crazy! No one should ever grow up.
For some reason, the usual things that you do to divert your mind weren’t really helpful. As I sat there cooped in a corner, reading a book, I could feel someone staring at me. You know, the times when someone’s gaze is so strong that you can feel it pierce through you. It felt as if my entire body was being pricked by thousands of needles. That is how strong the stare seemed.
I glanced up to see an old lady wearing dark shades looking at me. Explains the needles. Instinctively, I smiled at her. She greeted me with a poker face.
What is happening here?
Ladies and gentlemen, this marks the time when I smiled at a blind lady as her husband shot glares my way.
(The above incident is an attempt to create a comic relief, or more like, I just HAD to write about it).
Coming to the point again, I think this week has been a wake up call for me. A gigantic alarm with a snooze button that rings every 2 mins telling me to pull myself together and grow a pair (which biologically isn’t possible cos I am a girl, you know).
To conclude, as much as I like being alone, I don’t like coming back home to an empty flat. I don’t like cooking meals just for myself and eating alone. Not even for a week.
I have come a long way in my pursuits of being self sufficient. Sometimes, I collapse. When I do, the silence is deafening. I need to stop this silence which is growing within and outside me.
“Because silence, like a cancer, grows.”
Ps. If you get the reference of the song in the title and the last line, then I REALLY like you (even if I don’t know you).